Anyone who knows me, knows that a million thoughts run parallel in mind at any given point of time. Usually they are full of checklists and plans and new things I need to plan and worry about...Recently, in one of my thought sprees, a particular chain caught on more firmly than all my other fleeting concerns. Oddly enough this chain of thought started when I was cooking eggplant(= aubergine/ brinjal). My husband had once told me that my late father-in-law claimed that eggplant gave his cold/flu like symptoms and this would be a topic of regular back and forth between him and my mother-in-law.... The eggplant train then took me on a whirlwind journey of all the other small harmless anecdotes I had heard about him.....
I never had the good fortune of meeting my father-in-law. My husband & I met almost a year after his untimely demise. Apart from the 2 littlest grandchildren, I am the only one who has never met him, never had the opportunity to know him one on one, never seen him repair odd electronic items(which I am told he was very fond of doing), never seen him drink an actual cup of tea(which again I am told he loved to make, share and drink with others), never been dragged from an adjoining room to watch a NG episode about migratory birds(which I am told he did with his kids, even at exam time much to my MIL's chagrin)....
I am told by my sister-in-law that he would be the one to run after you with a glass of milk, forcing you to eat breakfast/ a meal irrespective of how much of a rush you were in. I am told by our neighbor's in Delhi about what a kind and gentle soul he was. My mother-in-law often tells me about his generosity, how he would go out of his way to help strangers. My husband tells me how it was imperative to his father that everyone who came to their house be treated with respect and courtesy, irrespective of who the person was and what he did......
Having said all of this, I would have known/guessed most of these things about him anyway and here is why..... All of the qualities I mentioned above are ones that live on through his wife and his children. I have often marveled at how my sister-in-law will stop and help people she meets on the road. While my mother-in-law may complain about the smaller things, she definitely possesses a magnanimous heart for the bigger things in life and I know a lot of that must have rubbed off on her from my father-in-law. I can imagine him lost in his circuits and repairs, because I have seen my sister-in-law lost in her artwork for hours and hours at length. I know what people mean when they say he was good tempered and mild natured, I see it often in the calm and kindness my husband brings to the table, when I am on my usual rants. I see his kind and balanced thinking in the world views shared by all the siblings....
What I would never have known is the eggplant issue, the fact that he hated it if someone stole his slippers and did not return them to their proper place, the fact that he maniacally swept the bed prior to sleeping as he hated crumbs or any other minute particles on his bed, the fact that mosquitoes were a special nemesis and that he banned orange candy in the house as it had happened to become a choking hazard for one of the kids..... These are things I would never know, because these are peculiarities that surface with family, that come from seeing the person everyday in their truest , rawest form. These peculiarities don't make for impressive eulogies, but THEY are the ones that shape the person for someone who has never met them. These odd little nuggets help me know him as his kids and closest family did, these hidden treasures bring him a step closer from the very far place that he is at now.
I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it is to talk about a lost parent. I see it in the thin sheen in my dad's eyes when he talks of his father(someone I did know and loved dearly for 11 years of my life). I hear it in the longing in my mother's voice when she talks about her father (again, someone I had the good fortune of knowing and loving for 12 years of my life).. As I look forward to welcoming our baby into this world, I hope our family can help recreate my baby's grandfather for him/her...My own grandfather would often use the word "khususiyatein" to describe someone's peculiar and distinguishing/special behavior.
I hope we can all help my little one and the other grandkids know their grandfather through his khususiyatein.........
I never had the good fortune of meeting my father-in-law. My husband & I met almost a year after his untimely demise. Apart from the 2 littlest grandchildren, I am the only one who has never met him, never had the opportunity to know him one on one, never seen him repair odd electronic items(which I am told he was very fond of doing), never seen him drink an actual cup of tea(which again I am told he loved to make, share and drink with others), never been dragged from an adjoining room to watch a NG episode about migratory birds(which I am told he did with his kids, even at exam time much to my MIL's chagrin)....
I am told by my sister-in-law that he would be the one to run after you with a glass of milk, forcing you to eat breakfast/ a meal irrespective of how much of a rush you were in. I am told by our neighbor's in Delhi about what a kind and gentle soul he was. My mother-in-law often tells me about his generosity, how he would go out of his way to help strangers. My husband tells me how it was imperative to his father that everyone who came to their house be treated with respect and courtesy, irrespective of who the person was and what he did......
Having said all of this, I would have known/guessed most of these things about him anyway and here is why..... All of the qualities I mentioned above are ones that live on through his wife and his children. I have often marveled at how my sister-in-law will stop and help people she meets on the road. While my mother-in-law may complain about the smaller things, she definitely possesses a magnanimous heart for the bigger things in life and I know a lot of that must have rubbed off on her from my father-in-law. I can imagine him lost in his circuits and repairs, because I have seen my sister-in-law lost in her artwork for hours and hours at length. I know what people mean when they say he was good tempered and mild natured, I see it often in the calm and kindness my husband brings to the table, when I am on my usual rants. I see his kind and balanced thinking in the world views shared by all the siblings....
What I would never have known is the eggplant issue, the fact that he hated it if someone stole his slippers and did not return them to their proper place, the fact that he maniacally swept the bed prior to sleeping as he hated crumbs or any other minute particles on his bed, the fact that mosquitoes were a special nemesis and that he banned orange candy in the house as it had happened to become a choking hazard for one of the kids..... These are things I would never know, because these are peculiarities that surface with family, that come from seeing the person everyday in their truest , rawest form. These peculiarities don't make for impressive eulogies, but THEY are the ones that shape the person for someone who has never met them. These odd little nuggets help me know him as his kids and closest family did, these hidden treasures bring him a step closer from the very far place that he is at now.
I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it is to talk about a lost parent. I see it in the thin sheen in my dad's eyes when he talks of his father(someone I did know and loved dearly for 11 years of my life). I hear it in the longing in my mother's voice when she talks about her father (again, someone I had the good fortune of knowing and loving for 12 years of my life).. As I look forward to welcoming our baby into this world, I hope our family can help recreate my baby's grandfather for him/her...My own grandfather would often use the word "khususiyatein" to describe someone's peculiar and distinguishing/special behavior.
I hope we can all help my little one and the other grandkids know their grandfather through his khususiyatein.........
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